It's Coming....Oh Crap.....

The new year is coming....that means I'm going to feel compelled to do something about myself. 

Oh crap.

We (yahoo, the hubby is joining me this time) aren't going to start on New Years Day, like 95% of the world thanks to a business trip, but in the next two weeks, we will be making a decision about what we are doing and how we are doing it.

Sometimes, being a planner, sucks.

Welcome to Crazy Town

I no longer have any idea what day it is.  The stress overtook me last week and I took a couple of days off.   Then I got back on.  Then I decided I should be able to eat on Sundays....that may not be a good idea.  I'm back on track, still down....gotta stay strong.

Total down: -13

Day 7

Yesterday: -.2
Total: -12.2
Total Inches: -11.25

Got a sunburn yesterday.  My entire body is out of whack.  Swollen hands, light headed....not good.  Going to try extra protein and lots of electrolytes and see if that does the trick.

Day 6

Yesterday: -1
Total: -12

Stress does do something to the desire to eat.  It sucks out loud that's for sure.

Day 5

Yesterday: -2.2
Total: -11
Inches Total: -7.25...man....exercise is building muscle....ahhhhh, in places I don't want it.

Day 4

Yesterdays loss: 1.2
Total: 8.8

No measuring today....every other day.  I did have a piece of lasagna last night.  Yeah, it was worth it.

Day 3

Weight Lost: 7.6
Inches Lost: Measuring tomorrow

Post Script: Okay I lied. I measured today. Hey, I couldn't find the measuring tape and didn't want to make it up. I want to measure more often...I think I like inches more than pounds. Pounds I have to track daily, but inches make me happier and daily is too much for them.

So......

Inches Lost: 6.25

Back to Basic

Started over...big surprise there.  Let's just say Hell hath no fury like a mommy stressed.  So...I am going to give hcg a go again.  Still not at my all time high...but pretty dang close.

Weight Lost: 0
Inches Lost: 0

Back to the Beginning

My ten pounds are back and they brought a little friend with them.  That's okay.  I have been under so much stress, it's amazing that I don't weigh more. 

Do I have any idea what I'm doing?  Absolutely not.  Do I have any odds on my chances of success?  No not really.  My only goal is that I want my swimsuit to fit a little bit better while I am out getting second degree burns on the majority of my body.  Oh and I don't want to hear anyone else say, "Thar she blows."

I don't know why this is such a struggle for me.  And maybe it isn't any more of a struggle for me than it is for everyone else.  I know that I don't feel good....too bad that isn't enough of a motivator.  I like me, I think I'm fun...but for some reason I won't take care of me....at least not any more than the very basic of things.

Well, the adventure begins, yet again.  It's a good thing I believe in Mondays.

So Far...

Hmmmmm, maybe there is something to that whole eat less, exercise more thing.  4 lbs.  That's nice.  I don't want to get hyped because I can't afford the emotional roller coaster right now.  I need to just take things one day at a time.

Sticking to my do one good thing thing...huh?  Anyways, I did the ol' treadmill again yesterday AND mowed the lawn.  I have already been on the treadmill this morning, so today, my one good thing is going to be drinking more water.  That's good.  I just need to be near a bathroom.

Yeah...It's Tuesday

Yesterdays goal was to do one good thing for myself.  I did.  I walked on the treadmill.  YAY.  It was good to realize I actually could move again.  I think I might do it again.

I didn't weigh this morning, I never do on piano days.  When you get up at 6 to wake up two unwilling children to get to piano lessons...it doesn't really allow for something as simple as weighing.

But I am going to do one good thing for me today too.  One good thing.  I think I'm worth that.

I Don't Know If You Noticed...but....

I haven't got the faintest idea what I'm doing.  For such a know it all, I really suck at knowing it.

Today I am trying again.  And if you haven't picked up on the theme, I am totally a Monday person, which is why I always try and start everything on Monday.  I don't know what I am doing.  I don't think I ever have. 

Today, my focus is today.  I just want to make good health/food choices today.  Tomorrow isn't even a consideration.  So I am going to try and go and do daily posts again.  It's just the idea of return and report.  It's a good idea...I just need to follow through.  So one day at a time.

One good health choice today. Just one....

Oh, and yes I did gain back my favorite ten lbs...

It's Begun...Again

I'm trying to sort out my issues...with food.  And since EVERYTHING in  my life is tied to food, I suppose that means my life.  But now that one of my kids has been diagnosed with food allergies, it has completely messed things up.

So I am not weighing, I am not measuring.  I am making this about better choices, and feeling better.  Sheesh...we'll see how that goes.

No Illusions

Well, I did work out yesterday...not today, but the day ain't over yet.

I am trying to figure out if I am going to be the funny, fat friend forever or if I really have the schmootz in me to be healthy.  I don't want to be skinny.  I just want to be healthy.

My goal for this week was just to exercise and considering it's 8:20, maybe I should light a fire under my bum.  I am so conflicted about everything.  Thin and healthy or fat and satisfied...ain't that a quandry?

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaack

Depressed, but back. (sigh)

I can't do hcg right now. I just can't. I don't know how other people feel about it and deal with it, but I have to have a certain amount of calm in my life in order to focus so hard on food and choices. Yeah, I'm a food loser. I know that.

I have decided that my main focus right now is getting active again. I'm going to start exercising. EVERY DAY...except Sunday. That's my day off.

And I was incredibly inspired by Jennifer Hudson and I am going to try and break the co-dependent cycle I have with food. I have to change my mind-set from "live to eat" to "eat to live". I have to. I'm killing myself. I can tell that my yo-yoing is doing damage. And whether or not it is doing damage physically...it is doing damage psychologically.

And While the scale is the ultimate judge, jury and executioner...I'm am changing my tactics a little bit.

Goal #1: Going down a level on Wii fit. And with any luck, that means that the Board won't sound like it's going to die every single time I stand on it. I think that is a good goal.

I'm taking baby steps. I'm going to teach myself that I don't have to reward myself with food NOR do I have to take out my stress, anger or whatever else on myself with food either. Food is fuel...I'm not a squirrel and I don't have to store up for the winter.

Okay Monday, I'm winning today...sorry about yer bad luck.

Oh Dear

Okay.  I suck...and apparently I'm a quitter.  But yesterday nothing was staying down or in.  Yeah I know...gross.  I could have used it to my advantage, but decided that hydration was just way too important to mess with.  So I am on temporary hold.  I will be starting up again next Monday, when I have had enough time to adjust to my full dose of medication that is causing the problem.

Until then...

Better...

Day 6: Down 2.2

At least I'm down. I feel like I have lost a day and I HATE THAT. Oh well. I worked to stay hydrated, and I think that made a difference.

If there was a ever a day when I was going to blow it....yesterday was the day. Enough happened that I should have gone to all of my secret stashes throughout the house. Shhhhh....don't tell anyone I have secret stashes. I think the medication nausea came in handy.

I'm going to keep on truckin'. Don't know what else to do. I have 22 lbs to lose before I am going to stop. Rather than making it a 3 week session, I'm going to go until I hit this goal. We'll see how it goes.

Total Loss to Date:

9.7lbs

Sigh

Day 5: Up 2 lbs. How? I mean how? Really?

I have been through the entire range of emotions this morning. Sadly, I understand what is going on, but it doesn't mean I am going to like it any more.

GROSS ALERT--You've been warned.

I'm stopped up, I'm a girl and have hormones and I didn't drink enough water yesterday.

BACK TO REALITY

I only ate once yesterday. But I ate a double serving of protein and probably too much fat. But I figured since I am only eating once a day, what could it hurt? I'll tell you who it could hurt...my scale. I'm pretty sure it groaned this morning.

Today's focus: Drinking enough water. I'm going to try for 2 meals, probably protein shakes at both, but make sure to HAVE VEGGIES. My body is seriously off-kilter today and I need to fix that.

I know that this can happen, it has happened to me before and can last for up to 3 days...I'm sure it can last longer, but I'm working off of personal experience here. And when you aren't losing pounds, you tend to be losing inches. I'm going to try to hold off measuring because I only want to measure on Mondays and Thursdays. But if I am still up tomorrow, I may have to break down and see....

Total Loss to Date:

6.9 lbs

Please Don't Hurl, Please Don't Hurl

Day 4: 1.4 lbs. YAY. I better start really enjoying the loss because I know there is no way possible that I am going to be able to sustain losing at this rate. Why? Because I'm a girl. Boys lose like nobody's business. Girls on the other hand, if they even think about cheesecake...BAM-15 lbs right on the thighs. It's so wrong.

Only ate once yesterday, but I was really nauseated, so I added a little extra fat to my meal because I figured it was the only time I was going to be able to eat. I'm not hungry, so eating once a day isn't the problem.

My husband tried put the 'weird' of hcg into words for me and basically it is hard to watch other people eat. You feel fine, you aren't starving, but being around people and food is kind of hard. And when you are around people who are eating...yup, that much worse.

When you have an 'eating disorder', co-dependent relationship with food or whatever you want to call it, it isn't like other addictions. You can't stop forever. You have to keep eating to sustain life, but you have to COMPLETELY change everything. There are days when I really wish the food pyramid was chocolate, cheetos, diet coke, bread and vegetable...and yes in that order.

Total Loss to Date:

8.9

I'm Drowning

Day 3: 3.8 lbs. No that isn't a total. That is just yesterday. That's nice. I would have more enthusiasm, but I think I'm going to puke everywhere. It isn't the hcg. Another medication switch has the side effect of nausea. So I'm thinking I'm totally going to use this to my advantage. As long as I stay hydrated, I am not going to worry about food. I supplemented my one meal yesterday with a protein shake. I kind of like that plan.

Okay, downside to hcg: you have to drink a ton of water to keep your body properly hydrated. I'M DROWNING. I am so sick of going to the bathroom. Really. I know I should be thinking pee the fat, pee the fat...but I am really wondering, "Is Charmin really the softest tissue there is?"

I'm positive today...positively nauseated.

Total Loss to Date:

7.5lbs

11 inches

My Name is Wendy and I Have....

Day 3: 1.2 lbs. Okay. Like every other fat person in the world I want to lose 50 lbs overnight. I know that isn't feasible, reasonable or going to happen. It doesn't change the fact that is what I WANT to happen.

So far I haven't been too hungry. It takes a few days for the body to adjust on hcg to the lower calories. I didn't have an extra protein shake yesterday, but I ate a huge dinner. I am leaving the extra protein shake open for me. Any day I wake up hungry, it's an option. That is the diabetic protocol, and I figure I may have more luck that way. One day at a time though.

I have been trying to figure out how to explain what food is like for me. A few years ago a friend and I 'named' our eating disorder and really, I think it's the best description their is. I'm sure there is a real name for this, but I call it....

APATHETIC GORGISM

I know. Cool name. The basis is that I don't care how much eat or when I eat. I have no off button. When I think about it, I don't even haven an on button. I don't think I have a button at all. It's kind of like on Kirstie Allies new show. She asked someone if they had to be hungry to eat. When they said yes, she replied, "What a novel concept." It really is a novel concept for someone like me. Hunger doesn't have ANYTHING to do with food. It should but it doesn't. I learned to stop eating by people watching me pack it in. When people stare, I stop. True story.

Total Loss to Date:

3.7

That's It?

Day 2: 2.5 lb loss. Most people would be overjoyed. I know that. But on Hcg I have never had less than a 4 lb loss on the first day. But I am letting myself eat some fat this time, so that I can hang on a little bit longer.

About Hcg. How does someone who has done hcg stay fat? Easy peasy. I don't learn. I am stubborn and I like Oreos. I know how to eat, I just choose not to. It's one of the crazy things that is riding inside of my brain. Hcg works, but if you aren't going to change the way you eat when you aren't on hcg, it doesn't really matter.

I think I am bloggin about this because first, I need to get it all out. And second, I think I'm more accountable. Maybe, maybe not. I have to try before I can say for sure that this isn't going to help me get my food issues straight.

And I promise, I have ALL sorts of issues with food. I'll be sharing...some funny, some not so much. But right now, I don't want to be the funny, fat friend anymore. I want to be the healthy, funny friend, who looks good in whatever she has on. Which is usually sweats, but I want to look GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD in sweats.

Loss to date:

2.5

Day 1-Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman on a Diet

My weight is something I am very sensitive about. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to avoid EVERY mirror...bathroom mirrors are the hardest.

I stopped using regular sizes a long time ago and now refer to my clothing as tent sizes. I would like to be out of my circus tent and into a family size tent. It's good to have goals.

I am not ready to post my weight yet, and as I go through this journey I'm sure I will offer way more insight into what it is like to be the funny fat friend than anyone wanted. So for now, I will just be posting my cumulative weight loss...I'm trying to be positive.

So for now, we are at ground zero.

Weight Loss to date:

0